what will I do with no...

I woke up that morning extra early, knowing that something was up. I had interviewed for my "dream job" the day before and had gone to bed still awaiting an answer. Something told me that was not a good sign, still, they had told me I would know by the end of the week, not by the end of the day.

I did my usual morning routine, checking emails and getting on facebook for a few moments before starting my day. It seemed that every post I saw in my devotionals and in pictures was some encouragement about choosing joy or about what to do when things didn't go as you'd hoped. It was on Facebook that I saw one of those picture sayings. You know the ones. The picture that has some quote that you then hit 'share' and post it for others to see. The picture was of an open door and it said "God opens doors no man can shut." Such an encouraging little picture. Then why was my immediate thought, "And if the door doesn't open then what is on the other side wasn't what God intended for you"?

I went for my morning run with questions still in my head. I knew I did not get that job but still hoped to hear otherwise. I had done well in the interview - I knew it. So why did I have this sinking feeling that the answer was going to be "no thank you"?

I had planned to spend some time with my daughter that day and we went out shopping. In my mind I secretly hoped that we'd be able to do this more often if I got that job...it meant more money. I decided to check my emails while I waited on her to pick out shorts and there it was, the email with my answer. I quickly opened it only to read, "Thank you for your time but we've chosen someone else." 

My heart dropped. The door had closed. I wanted to cry, but I don't cry often and certainly not in public. Honestly wish I did sometimes because it might make the ache feel a little better. Well, that was it. I had prepared and prayed and hoped and now....the answer was no. It was over. 

We went on with our shopping but the wind was out of my sails. In my mind, I had made plans...I had figured out how I could "serve God" in this new position...I had pictured myself giving away all my old classroom supplies and working with other teachers to help them. In a flash all those hopes crumbled. In fact, since I had changed to a lower grade level than I had previously been teaching, the devil tried to push the idea that instead of promoted I had actually been DE-moted...pushed to the back of the line. Now, I know that is ridiculous, but I'm just saying how it felt. Okay, now I'm finally crying. Funny how admitting how your feel about something releases emotions.

I spent the rest of that day and the next in a funk. I tried to cheer myself with reminders that it's not about me. It's about where God chooses for me to serve. A sweet friend sent a message reminding me that there might be some student that needed me next year. Others let me know they cared and understood. I was wanted, so why did I feel so rejected? I had waited so hopefully to hear "yes" - what was I supposed to do with "no"?

I went for my run yesterday hoping to hear from God. Usually I hear, "Trust Me" when I am confused. This time I heard, "Listen to your husband." You see, my sweet husband, who is my biggest supporter - God bless him - had said that he just had a feeling it wasn't over yet. When I told him I didn't get the job and extra income would NOT be coming in, he smiled and said it's going to be okay. God has always provided and He won't stop now...and that he just had a feeling it wasn't over yet. Now, for those who don't know him, my husband is the most patient man I've ever met. We are complete opposites. I bounce off the walls and rarely go anywhere in a straight line. He is slow and steady - never wavering. So when I ran and heard, "Listen to your husband" I heard, "Trust Me."

I know I'm not the only person who has ever been told "no"....that has felt like the destiny that they KNEW was to be theirs was somehow stripped away and they had instead been sent to the backside of the desert to herd sheep. I'm not the only one who has looked to heaven for direction and been sent the OPPOSITE way they thought they were supposed to go. Yes, I get the connections here...honestly hadn't thought about Moses until I started typing this blog, but now they seem pretty clear. 

The past weeks my mind has been on learning to "embrace the place" where God has me. Honestly, at times I don't like it...but it's not about me. No matter if God chooses to place me in a position of leadership or chooses to have me working the back of a garbage truck, I am to serve Him with joy where I am. It's not about what I want, it's about where I can best serve Him. I remember years ago dreaming of preaching and teaching in church. I dreamed of encouraging people with God's Word and sharing the insights He showed me for them. I dreamed....are you getting the constant in this? I...me...what I wanted. Years later, I'm finally figuring out it's not really about me. 

The question remains. What will I do with "No"? Will I grow angry? Will I pretend I never wanted that stupid job anyway? Will I take my ball and go play somewhere else? Or will I look at my Father and say, "Not my will but Yours be done"?

I'm still working through the process of hurt, discouragement, and disappointment. I may even shed a few tears today. I will probably sit on the desert floor for a little while and wonder what happened to the dreams. I will remind myself of all the blessings in my hand. Ultimately, I hope I can hang my hope on the truth that God will use a willing vessel to achieve His will. I will embrace the place where I find myself and will do my best to tend the sheep. 

It's not about me. It's about trusting Him.

Proverbs 3:5-12 (MSG)

^5-12 Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
    don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
    he’s the one who will keep you on track.
Don’t assume that you know it all.
    Run to God! Run from evil!
Your body will glow with health,
    your very bones will vibrate with life!
Honor God with everything you own;
    give him the first and the best.
Your barns will burst,
    your wine vats will brim over.
But don’t, dear friend, resent God’s discipline;
    don’t sulk under his loving correction.
It’s the child he loves that God corrects;
    a father’s delight is behind all this.

Micah 6:8 (MSG)

⁸ But he’s already made it plain how to live, what to do,
    what God is looking for in men and women.
It’s quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor,
    be compassionate and loyal in your love,
And don’t take yourself too seriously—
    take God seriously.

Galatians 6:7-10 (MSG)

^7-8 Don’t be misled: No one makes a fool of God. What a person plants, he will harvest. The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. All he’ll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God’s Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life.
^9-10 So let’s not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don’t give up, or quit. Right now, therefore, every time we get the chance, let us work for the benefit of all, starting with the people closest to us in the community of faith.

Lessons from under the juniper tree...

It's been a few days since I've added to the blog. I've been sitting under the juniper tree.

For those who haven't read my previous few blogs, this all started one day when I was working out and had a drop in my blood sugar. Follow that with a personal disappointment and a doctor's appointment where he told me all the different ways I could die or be disabled thanks to diabetes and I found myself fighting discouragement in a big way. None of the victories I had experienced prior to this made a difference...I needed to go and sit under a juniper tree. (Ever notice it's not just ONE thing, but a whole bunch of things that seem to hit at once? Yep, that's pretty much the way the enemy works.)


In the Bible, Elijah sat under a juniper tree. He had just defeated all the prophets of Baal, called down fire from heaven, and then called down rain! Then Jezebel, a mere woman, sent word that she was going to kill him and Elijah just sat down. 


A pep talk isn't what he needed...Elijah needed rest, food, and a reality check.


According to the story, the first thing Elijah did when he sat down was fall asleep. Sometimes the main thing we need is rest. We like to believe we are super human and that rest is for weak people, but that just isn't true. We need rest. Our muscles need rest. Our minds need rest. Our spirits...need rest. 


The next thing that happened in the story was an angel woke Elijah and told him to eat. 


EAT AND REST - this does not mean do what I tend to do when my blood sugar drops. You shouldn't reach for the 3 day old doughnut and stuff it in your mouth in hopes of some quick relief. When I am in that "I've got to have food" state, I don't always think clearly - I also don't feel like taking the time to prepare something that will nourish. I want to feed my feelings. But that's not what my body needs. It may give me a moment of relief, but just as quickly I will spiral downward again. What is needed is real food.

When I'm exhausted, I also need to eat spiritual food. Spiritual eating doesn't mean plopping down in front of the tv in hopes of some momentary distraction from the chaos. It might be a quick fix, but it's like that 3 day old doughnut (usually a rerun!) My spirit is hungry and while it is easy to "veg" in front of the tv, it won't help. What is needed is the real food found in God's Word. Like most "real food" it takes a bit more effort to get, but it makes all the difference in getting back up from under that juniper tree. 


If you are fighting discouragement, don't reach for the remote, the computer or the junk food. You were made for better stuff. Rest and real food. It's more than just some old testament story...it's what we need now.

I know there are more lessons underneath this tree, but those will have to wait for another day.

If the devil cannot make you puffed up by pride, he will try to dampen your spirit by discouragement. It's his best tool!

AUTHOR UNKNOWN

I may not win the battle against diabetes, but I can promise that diabetes will not beat me. 

AUTHOR - ME!

1 Kings 19

The Message (MSG)

^1-2 Ahab reported to Jezebel everything that Elijah had done, including the massacre of the prophets. Jezebel immediately sent a messenger to Elijah with her threat: "The gods will get you for this and I'll get even with you! By this time tomorrow you'll be as dead as any one of those prophets."

 ^3-5 When Elijah saw how things were, he ran for dear life to Beersheba, far in the south of Judah. He left his young servant there and then went on into the desert another day's journey. He came to a lone broom bush and collapsed in its shade, wanting in the worst way to be done with it all—to just die: "Enough of this, God! Take my life—I'm ready to join my ancestors in the grave!" Exhausted, he fell asleep under the lone broom bush.
    Suddenly an angel shook him awake and said, "Get up and eat!"
 ⁶ He looked around and, to his surprise, right by his head were a loaf of bread baked on some coals and a jug of water. He ate the meal and went back to sleep.
 ⁷ The angel of God came back, shook him awake again, and said, "Get up and eat some more—you've got a long journey ahead of you."
 ^8-9 He got up, ate and drank his fill, and set out. Nourished by that meal, he walked forty days and nights, all the way to the mountain of God, to Horeb. When he got there, he crawled into a cave and went to sleep.
    Then the word of God came to him: "So Elijah, what are you doing here?"
 ¹⁰ "I've been working my heart out for the God-of-the-Angel-Armies," said Elijah. "The people of Israel have abandoned your covenant, destroyed the places of worship, and murdered your prophets. I'm the only one left, and now they're trying to kill me."
 ^11-12 Then he was told, "Go, stand on the mountain at attention before God. God will pass by."
    A hurricane wind ripped through the mountains and shattered the rocks before God, butGod wasn't to be found in the wind; after the wind an earthquake, but God wasn't in the earthquake; and after the earthquake fire, but God wasn't in the fire; and after the fire a gentle and quiet whisper.
 ^13-14 When Elijah heard the quiet voice, he muffled his face with his great cloak, went to the mouth of the cave, and stood there. A quiet voice asked, "So Elijah, now tell me, what are you doing here?" Elijah said it again, "I've been working my heart out for God, the God-of-the-Angel-Armies, because the people of Israel have abandoned your covenant, destroyed your places of worship, and murdered your prophets. I'm the only one left, and now they're trying to kill me."
 ^15-18 God said, "Go back the way you came through the desert to Damascus. When you get there anoint Hazael; make him king over Aram. Then anoint Jehu son of Nimshi; make him king over Israel. Finally, anoint Elisha son of Shaphat from Abel Meholah to succeed you as prophet. Anyone who escapes death by Hazael will be killed by Jehu; and anyone who escapes death by Jehu will be killed by Elisha. Meanwhile, I'm preserving for myself seven thousand souls: the knees that haven't bowed to the god Baal, the mouths that haven't kissed his image."

Don't throw yourself out at first.

You know, I love watching sports of every kind. Not on tv, mind you. I like to be there live and in person. Maybe it's my inner athlete that never learned to play sports, maybe I just love watching people; but for whatever reason, I love watching sports - especially when kids are involved. They still believe they can do anything....and perhaps they can. They believe that, even if they aren't all that good right now, they are just one throw, run, hit, or jump from greatness.

One of my most favorite memories is of a T-ball game I attended years ago. In that game, I watched a little girl do something that has stuck with me since. This tiny powerhouse came up to the plate to bat with all the expertise of a flounder out of water. Her helmet looked a bit too big, the bat looked like a redwood compared to her, and I'm pretty sure they had to stop her and tie her shoes for her before she started to swing. The first swing came - she missed. Then a second - missed again. Once more - it was a tip that sent the ball rolling slowly toward the pitcher. In true T-ball fashion, the entire outfield came running in to try and get that ball, but they simply weren't fast enough...not for that little girl. She ran out and grabbed that ball and then promptly threw herself out at first. She was so proud! She had done what they could not! It took quite a bit of explaining, and I think I remember them giving her another chance, but I will never forget that moment. She actually threw herself out! No opposing team could do what she had done herself.

Therein, of course, lies today's random thought. I'm pretty sure I've been throwing myself out at first...and so have a lot of others around me. We have participated in helping the enemy of our soul in a way that it could not do in itself. It's as if the spirit of discouragement has attached its thorny claws to us and in raspy whispers only we can hear, it tells us over and over again we are not enough. We are not good enough, not smart enough, not cultured enough, not skinny enough, not whatever enough. It reminds us over and over of just how badly we blew it, AGAIN. It plays the stupid words we said over and over again inside our head like a broken record. It tries to convince us that when bad things happen, it is ALWAYS our fault. That we are being punished for being so stupid...so unworthy....so inadequate once again.

I wonder if hermits separate themselves from the world not because of fear of the world, but because they are afraid they will fail and finally be discovered as inadequate...simply not enough. I know I have had times when I felt like I should just crawl into a hole so that I would do as little damage as possible. I say the wrong thing, act too quickly, live too loud, generally stick my foot in my mouth and then for good measure, stick the other foot in as well. I find myself desperately trying to learn what I imagine others must have learned years ago as teenagers, yet I am still trying desperately to discover what the "rules" are. Instead of getting better with age, it seems I'm getting worse! Buying wrong gifts, over doing, not doing enough, doing it too loudly, not speaking up when I should, forgetting the important things, being overwhelmed by the trivial....

It's not everyday, mind you. Some days I feel pretty confident in myself - followed closely by days when I realize just how inadequate I am. Like most, I've had plenty of times in my life when the spirit of discouragement and despair has tried to convince me to "throw myself out at first." That's the enemy's favorite tactic - to remind us just how human and "not enough" we truly are.

Here's the shocker - the enemy is right....to a degree. I am not enough. I am in desperate need of a Savior. I need one who knows me and yet loves me all the same. I long for One who doesn't condemn, and instead speaks life into the cavernous hole in my heart and fills it. I want to be treasured as special...truly special. I want to feel His presence lifting me and reminding me that I am loved. I want one who doesn't remember my mistakes, but instead reminds me of the few times I actually got it right - because I waited on Him. I want Someone who will gently reach out and stop me from throwing myself out at first, before I've really even begun to play the game that day.

Perhaps you are like me this morning. You wake up to that feeling of dread in facing today's game - sure you'll mess it up somehow. I speak against that spirit of discouragement right now. I pray that you will recognize his lies for just what they are - an attempt to get you to throw yourself out at first before you even get started. God has not given you a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a strong mind. He is right there with you, ready to guide your hands, steady your bat, and hit that ball right out of the park....just like your little kid dreams always imagined.

My words cannot fully express what is on my heart, but a song by Mercy Me does a really good job of speaking life.

Days will come when you don't have the strength,
When all you hear is "you're not worth anything"
Wondering if you ever could be loved,
And if they truly saw your heart, they'd see too much

You're beautiful, You're beautiful,
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful,You're beautiful,
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His,
You're beautiful

I'm praying that you have the heart to fight,
'Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long,
And they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

You're beautiful,You're beautiful,
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful,You're beautiful,
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His,
You're beautiful

Before you ever took a breath, long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed, there was one more precious
Of all the earth and skies above, you're the one Emmanuel loves
Enough to die

You're beautiful, You're beautiful
In His eyes
You're beautiful
You were meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You are treasured you are sacred you are His
You're beautiful,You're beautiful
You were meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful,You're beautiful
You are treasured you are sacred you are His.

Today, as you come up to bat, give it all you've got. Don't be afraid that you won't be enough. Don't throw yourself out at first. Instead, know that you are loved....and give it all you've got - for Him who loves you no matter how you feel.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f89sRf3BKKU