Saturday, August 20, 2011

Not the Saturday I'd hoped for.

"I hate you!" The words ricocheted off the walls and a few lodged in my heart. "I hate living here. I hate being part of this family." I listened as my child stormed away in anger over being confronted with wrong behavior. I may have looked calm on the outside, but inside I was sobbing. I had been looking forward to an easy Saturday filled with nothing to do and now I was knee deep in having to deal with two children who had somehow started a war.

I have always believed in discipline and in making sure that it "fit the crime" if at all possible. Disrespectful words toward me meant you lose the right to talk to friends (phone). Can't get along with your sibling means you can't spend time with friends. You get the idea....but no matter how fair, to a child any discipline seems like the end of their world.

A friend of mine described the difference in correction and discipline this way: "Correction is stopping someone from doing wrong. Discipline is teaching someone to do right." (Channing Miskel) Today with my children I felt I was doing a little of both and I wasn't sure whether it was harder on them or me.

My biggest concern was that my child take responsibility for his/her behavior. Yet somehow, this seemed to be the most difficult obstacle to overcome. Why is it that we hate admitting when we are wrong? It's so much easier to blame someone else for our problems.

I wonder if God feels this way when He disciplines me? Does His heart break as He watches me turn away or strike out at others because I've done wrong? Do I realize my actions do not anger Him, but they disappoint as I once again choose to deny? Do I see that He is trying to steer me clear of destruction? Do I see that He is trying to protect me from myself?

Just yesterday I was angry at some of the things life was throwing at me and blaming everything and everyone around me for the problem. I may have seemed calm on the outside, but inside a raging inferno was threatening to erupt. I felt my stomach knot tighter and tighter as I strained to "hold it together" on the outside. I joked and smiled, but inside I was screaming. I wanted to throw a two year old tantrum! As my own child stormed away from me today, I saw myself...and I didn't like it. My heart was breaking.

This blog is not filled with any answers...just reflections. Who knows where we'll go from here. I have to believe it will be a place of peace. I don't like going through the storm to find it, but if that's what it takes...I'm heading in.

"The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny."- Albert Ellis

Hebrews 12:11 "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."

Prov 3:11-12 (NIV) "My son, do not despise the Lord's discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in."

Prov 15:5 (NIV) "A fool spurns his father's discipline, but whoever heeds correction shows prudence."(the ability to govern and discipline oneself)

1 comment:

Kathy Castor said...

Thanks for your honest reflections!